Facebook Status: Tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time and avoid everyone within a 5km radius.

Facebook Status: I just want less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

Facebook Status: Loading brain … please wait.

Facebook Status: Procrastination (verb): What you’re probably doing now.

Facebook Status: Save a vegetable, eat a doughnut!

Facebook Status: Today, I texted my mom saying that I got an A for a test. She replied: ‘WTF see you at dinner.’ She thinks WTF means: ‘Wow, that’s fantastic.’