Facebook Status: My therapist told me to write letters to people I resent and then burn them. Now what do I do with all these stamps.

Facebook Status: Woke up this morning motivated, focused and ready to take on the world. That was 4 hours ago. Currently horizontal. Send snacks.

Facebook Status: I have decided I am not ‘messy.’ I am a ‘visual organiser’ and I will not be taking questions.

Facebook Status: My fridge and I have a lot in common. We both run all day and achieve nothing.

Facebook Status: Accidentally said ‘you too’ when the waiter said ‘enjoy your meal.’ We are no longer on speaking terms.

Facebook Status: I don’t have a dad bod. I have a father figure.